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| http://www.whitneyhouston.com |
February 11, 2012: I get ready (pregame) before my birthday party. It's snowing, but I'm not going to let cold weather stop me. The month also marks the 1st anniversary of my big sister’s death and I've added her passing to my list-of-reasons-to-get-faded for the night.
Right as I put on my coat to head out, a friend calls: “OH MY GOD, GIRL, WHITNEY HOUSTON IS DEAD AT 48!” She’s reading straight from the ticker of whatever news broadcast is on. “Turn your tv on!” I grab the remote and turn the on the tv to get the truth for myself. As soon as the tragedy is confirmed, I activate my defense mechanism of choice: denial. I am terrified, sad, but determined to party. “Not letting her ruin my birthday”, I think to myself. I turn the tv off and head out into the dark, snowy night toward who knows what.
Sometime in 1987:“I Wanna Dance With Somebody” is the first song I remember singing/dancing to with Mama. Her favorite part: “Don’t you wanna dance, say you wanna dance, don’t you wanna dance…” My favorite part: The way she sings “heat” during the second chorus somewhere around the 2:55 mark.
We sing this today still, but only bits and pieces.
February 2012: I make it to the party and I make it home, but I can’t tell you much about what happened in between. A week later, after a series of panic attacks and other uncomfortable events, I give up drinking altogether. It starts with a call from Mama. She says “I don’t want to lose my last living child this way. How do you think Whitney’s mama feels?” Hold up, when had I become the “Whitney of the family?”** And, wow, what have I put my mother through? So I stop. I give up other substances later that year.
None of this is easy.
Growing Up: On weekends I spend time in the living room or locked away in the bathroom singing to myself. Occasionally my stuffed animals or pet fish serve as an audience. “Queen of the Night” makes me feel grown and “Greatest Love of All” gives me chills. Whitney and Brandy star in "Cinderella", my favorite fairy tale. I want her to be my fairy godmother, to hear my secrets and grant my wishes.
February 2012: I make it to the party and I make it home, but I can’t tell you much about what happened in between. A week later, after a series of panic attacks and other uncomfortable events, I give up drinking altogether. It starts with a call from Mama. She says “I don’t want to lose my last living child this way. How do you think Whitney’s mama feels?” Hold up, when had I become the “Whitney of the family?”** And, wow, what have I put my mother through? So I stop. I give up other substances later that year.
None of this is easy.
Growing Up: On weekends I spend time in the living room or locked away in the bathroom singing to myself. Occasionally my stuffed animals or pet fish serve as an audience. “Queen of the Night” makes me feel grown and “Greatest Love of All” gives me chills. Whitney and Brandy star in "Cinderella", my favorite fairy tale. I want her to be my fairy godmother, to hear my secrets and grant my wishes.
At 15 years
old, when Whitney hooks up with my other music love, Mariah Carey, I am
delivered from teen angst whenever I listen to "When You Believe".
Whitney will forever make me remember being a little girl
who wised she had a big voice.
2013: Days after letting go of other substances, a dear friend takes me to a local "Sparkle" movie premier event. The film makes me think of home, Mama and sisterhood. I am reminded of the peace and freedom I've gained through grace.
Nearly one and a half years after the come-to-Jesus moment with Mama and an intense amount of spiritual work, I am at a karaoke event singing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” sober. I manage to go all night without singing until a friend selects the track. She knows just what to play to get me to the front of the room. I’m really nervous but I HAVE to do this, right? Like, y’all, this is the song. My girls stand next to me, sing with me, show me love. It's a great night.
Today: Since her death three years ago, I like to spend some time leading up to my birthday listening to music by my “fairy godmother”.*** No longer a woman dreading her birthday or haunted by her demons, I am back to the little girl with a hair brush or karaoke mic or Sony Discman crooning and rocking with confidence.
Now, listening to Whitney and reflecting on my 32 years, I feel nothing but gratitude and love.
2013: Days after letting go of other substances, a dear friend takes me to a local "Sparkle" movie premier event. The film makes me think of home, Mama and sisterhood. I am reminded of the peace and freedom I've gained through grace.
Nearly one and a half years after the come-to-Jesus moment with Mama and an intense amount of spiritual work, I am at a karaoke event singing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” sober. I manage to go all night without singing until a friend selects the track. She knows just what to play to get me to the front of the room. I’m really nervous but I HAVE to do this, right? Like, y’all, this is the song. My girls stand next to me, sing with me, show me love. It's a great night.
Today: Since her death three years ago, I like to spend some time leading up to my birthday listening to music by my “fairy godmother”.*** No longer a woman dreading her birthday or haunted by her demons, I am back to the little girl with a hair brush or karaoke mic or Sony Discman crooning and rocking with confidence.
Now, listening to Whitney and reflecting on my 32 years, I feel nothing but gratitude and love.
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* So, I’ve obviously left out a lot. Not trying to have all
my business out there, but I’m happy to share more offline. ** I was super judgmental about Whitney Houston and the events leading up to her death, but I know now that none of it is my business. All that really matters is that her life, talent and passing have impacted me for the better. *** I could go on and on and on about my favorite Whitney moments (songs, interviews, movies), but I'll save that for another time. Hit me up if you feel chatting/singing!
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